Day 7 of recovery. I am recovering from an almost 20 year addiction to pornography. My active viewing of pornography has gone from times where it happens a batch of a couple times a month or less to times when I am active in it with. Batches of 2-4 times a week. I view pornography despite it being starkly in contrast with who I want to be or feel I should be. The fact that I do it regardless of a strong desire and determination not to makes it a problem I am unable to escape from on my own.
It’s critical though to know why it happens, and I have learned a lot there about myself. I have a long ways to go, but I am learning what triggers me in the sense that I have to be careful to note how I am feeling every day and ask why.
Today I have felt pretty motivated, not stressed, a little bit like I spun my wheels to some degree. I was not tempted in any moment I can remember but I was also sort of shopping all day for business related items – not the most stressful of activities. The only stress was wishing it was a quicker activity and feeling a bit unproductive. It was a good day overall though.
Going into tomorrow I am also going to try and remember to stay humble, remembering I have a lot of things I need to improve on. This way if moments come up where I would under normal circumstances respond poorly because of being stressed or uncomfortable I can fight it by remembering to be humble and work on avoiding responding that way. I am also going to do this reflection earlier in the day.
