Day 6 of recovery. I get a little knot in my stomach remembering how short it has been. Feeling that knot is critical though. I need to feel the guilt, remember the reliance I have on powers outside of myself to recover.
An addiction like this is a lifelong recovery process. Even if I can avoid pornography until the day I die, I am still going to be at risk the rest of my life of being attracted to and allowing myself to have sexual interactions with other women. I have thoughts in this area right now, and that worries me. Part of this fight to recover is going to be to change my mindset and resolve entirely, not just change my behavior.
There is a long long way to go, and it’s tempting to only put some effort into writing this post. However, I know that if I don’t stretch my mind on every single day to remember where I am really at, that will contribute to potential weakness, and I can’t afford a day of weakness.
I have an addiction to pornography. It manifests in my life at times when I am stressed, bored, or otherwise not feeling my best. The reason I view pornography subconsciously is to escape from those feelings. There are so many other productive ways I can deal with feeling that way, but part of the problem is I am often unable to recognize why or how I am feeling.
One thing I am working on is trying to recognize when I am stressed or bored or am generally experiencing feelings of unpleasantness and using that as a signal to touch base with someone, or my journal, or address the stress with adequate planning.
