21

Ok, so I should have written here the last couple days, but it was a busy weekend! I get easily off track with random research and projects, as well as holiday weekends or weekends in general make me feel like I don’t have time for this stuff. But, I do and I could have fit it in. Another thing to work on!

I am in recovery from an addiction to pornography, and other sexual habits, activities, and thoughts. I am on day 12 of recovery. 12 is small, and I don’t think of it as a major accomplishment, but I do relish the fact that I am tracking it. I didn’t write on days 9, 10 or 11, but most of the days between 1-12 I have consciously thought about which day it is, and that will be essential for me to build a foundation of importance around my recovery.

When I think about the times I have acted out in my addiction by viewing pornography, the most concerning thing is that I remember the moments leading up to acting out as not moments of intense emotion or even feeling immense stress or difficulty. The moments I remember are casual “hmm I would like to see _______” (____ being some pornographic / sexual topic I want to search on the internet). And then I immediately think “I probably shouldn’t” or “It would be better to avoid it” yet a moment later I think “I’d rather not think about consequences” and I just start searching.

It’s much too easy for me to allow my mind to follow all these steps without reservation or inner conflict:

1. Desire the drug (porn)
2. Decide I want to view
3. Confirm that I am just going to do it without thinking
4. View pornography

The inner conflict comes later, when I start to realize I have acted in a way that contrasts heavily with my personal beliefs and who I want to be and become.

So, all I can do today is try and solidify that brief and destructive process as destructive in my head. I have to remember that those moments come on quick, and that I have reason to fight them every day. It will be a fight I have to have over and over, and today I have to decide to fight the fight.