I have regularly been viewing pornography for months. My last report was in March, and before that I have been viewing it on and off for nearly 20 years. I viewed pornography today.
I grew up Christian, and I am still religious. I am not very active in my church, and I am starting to actually think about it for the first time in my life. What do I believe, what do I really want to take/not take? My pornography addiction is one of the things I have to reconcile against the background of my religion. How much of my aversion to pornography as a concept and my viewpoint of it being repulsive comes from upbringing vs my personal beliefs. Most of it is surely from religion. Regardless, I want to be free from pornography because it is an addiction in my life. Because I continue to view it despite my desire stop and it being in conflict with how I identify, to me it is an addiction.
I am a product of how I spend my time and mental capacity. Viewing pornography shapes me. It’s no different from the way avid readers become well read or athletic practice makes athletes. Every bit of our energy is applied to something whether it’s staring at a wall thinking about food, designing rockets, or running ultramarathons. When my time is spent viewing pornography it morphs me slowly into someone less capable of accomplishing things I want to accomplish in my life.
My definition of pornography includes anything sexual I do or think to escape from my reality, outside of the bounds of my marriage promises. The version of me I wish to become doesn’t expend wasted energy on sexual obsessions. Many effects on my personality come from viewing or reading pornography, and these pull me further away from the vision I have for myself.
It’s also a mechanism in my life. I use pornography and masterbation to avoid. Whether in the moment I am putting off emotions or stresses or discomfort — it’s all in an effort to escape from something. Avoiding makes me less capable to handle life. Life is full of the things that I am avoiding — and I want to learn to deal with them rather than run.
I don’t pray to God for the same reason I never talked to my mom (or my dad for that matter) when something difficult was going on in my life growing up — I already knew what they would say in any situation. I likely wasn’t right as they may have had some bits left to give, but that’s how I felt. The problem is, the harm done was double fold as I both lost the opportunity to get my feelings outside myself as well as coped in a different way by viewing more pornography.
Should I pray to God about these things? I don’t know. I was struck by an interesting thought today, which is “Ok, if I already know what Jesus would tell me if I were to ask him what I should do about my addiction, then what would he say?”
Maybe I don’t know as much as I thought. Or, maybe I am leaning too heavily on my religion. Or, maybe prayer is more about “getting my feelings outside of myself” than it is about expecting answers. Perhaps I should try. Will I? Probably not. Instead I want this blog to become my prayer and my therapy session. Wish me luck.
