I am on my second day of not viewing Pornography. That means I have one day under my belt.
It’s critical to be intentional about this, to really remember that this is where I am at. I am good at just forgetting about things that are unpleasant. I can just think “ew, I don’t want to think about that, that is unpleasant” and I basically just put it off indefinitely. It works both against things that I don’t want to think about and things I know I “shouldn’t” think about.
The trouble is, I want to think about topics under the umbrella of my sexual addiction. So if I just say no now and put it off, who knows how I will react next time it comes around. Then, with topics that I just don’t want to think about, I can put those off until I explode in other areas of my life.
Say I am stressed out of my mind today. I don’t usually know I am stressed because my knee jerk reaction is to just get away from the unpleasantness. I will watch YouTube or just browse the internet aimlessly. Subconsciously my actions are my way of just saying “ew, I don’t want to think about that, it’s not pleasant” and instead not thinking about anything productive. Then, my subconscious stress spirals as a result. In that state when my wife says something that by all accounts would be considered normal conversation it might trigger me because of the built up stress and perhaps I respond with erratic and unjustified anger.
This is a central pattern in my life. What would break it?
Perhaps the best medicine for this sickness of avoidance is to exercise some form of self confrontation. When the moments come where I typically feel “ew” I need to think “Why do I feel ew?” and address it in some form or another.
Perhaps at the moment where I decide to watch YouTube instead of confronting my feelings it’s actually too late, and maybe I need to curb the problem earlier. If this is the case I will need to try generally to observe myself better and pick out potential problems over time, then report back.
Either way, one feeling I am having now is disgust. Despite how strongly I feel right now that I don’t want to view pornography, the fact that I have been deep into it recently is a good indicator that I will likely view it again relatively soon despite my good intentions. That makes me feel gross inside. I need to feel that feeling and not bury it. I need to let it drive me. I need to feel it again tomorrow, as really feeling these emotions and not burying them is the only way for me to change.
