Alright well I have been super distracted today. It is a Monday, so not a great start to my week. I have implemented some new things into my life that are going to help me at least remember where I ended up putting my time, so at least I wasn’t wasting time without accountability.
Either way, I am taking a moment out of my day despite my late start to recognize that I have a sexual addiction manifested in lustful thoughts and the viewing of pornography. I have lied to the people I love about how I am doing with it.
I don’t know where I stand on my lies. I have followed an “addiction recovery program” on and off in my life and a key point emphasized in the program is that honesty is the first and primary step to recovery. I have not been honest. I know what the program would say about my lies, I know what my loved ones would say about my lies. I know that lying counteracts any integrity I might have had left.
Yet, I am in these lies. My logic is that if I can handle this, that someday it won’t matter so much. I think mentally I can live with the lies. Maybe I am just really good at justifying or lying to myself but I can sit on things, not tell others and my life goes on. At least I have done a lot of this and my life has worked out OK so far.
But, then there is also the element where I know allowing the lies to sit and not outing myself makes it easy to tell the next lie and it just gets worse. Honesty is important and I am sort of saying screw that I am gonna do it anyway and I think I will be ok. This very well may backfire. But, I can’t out myself right now. I can’t go through the backlash and chain reaction of what will happen if certain people find out and then I have to tell other people.
So, this is my reality. What it comes down to for me is that I think there are some situations in life where “it’s better for the other person not to know the truth” is actually true.
Is that actually true? Possibly not.
What’s actually critical is for me to be honest with myself and part of that is going to be getting honest here in this blog every day. I haven’t done great with that ever, but it’s also never been so critical.
PS. Day 4 of sobriety
