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I am trying to recover from my addiction. I have an addiction. It’s so weird to think that my brain is actually physically different because I have succumbed to my desire to view pornography so many times in the past. I have used it as an escape mechanism or as a way to have temporary release from feelings I likely didn’t even know I was having so much that it actually re-wired my brain. My brain’s channels and patterns of thought are shaped a certain way to the point where it will be a long journey to reshape it.

I also am sitting on lies that I am really good at forgetting about. I have told people close to me that I am doing great and I hav not messed up recently. I told them straight to their faces after being asked the question directly. This makes me feel like I need to either just stop and never act out again or I need these relationships to end. There is no middle ground. Middle ground propagates the lie and will only result in a gigantic explosion in the future when everything has to come out eventually. I did it because they just wouldn’t understand. It would result in this person leaving me or being upset beyond the level my wife should.

Honestly, it’s this weird conundrum with my wife where no matter what I could never be 100% honest with her in regard to my addiction. If I were to tell her everything about my addiction and my past she would not be able to deal with it. Something about her and her viewpoint on life and her background combined with her lack of connection to me as someone she loves universally means it’s just not something she could cope with.

Is it a lack of some attribute? Is it a product of her lack of ability to relate?

She has had the sort of upbringing where she has never really made a decision where she had to feel real guilt. I don’t think she has experienced true regret for something that she knows was entirely her fault. She always pawned off all decisions in her life to her parents, and now she has animosity towards them for the things she was made to do. Maybe it is a lack of ownership for her own situation. I don’t know what it is, but I definitely feel like she can’t relate to someone who has made decisions like mine.

Don’t get me wrong, I am the one that has the most to improve on, but my issues are clear. Hers are hard to identify.