Damn it. I had a bad day yesterday. I keep thinking how at odds my actions are with my internal principles. Deep down and even closer to the surface I feel strongly against pornography. I believe there are so many negative effects from it across societies and families. So many people are hurt in so many ways because of the side effects. But, then in weaker moments I break down and participate in it. When I act out, my internal belief system is in a far different place than my actions – which is the opposite of integrity.

I need to work on my integrity.

I have an addiction to pornography and I acted out in my addiction yesterday. I am on day 1 of recovery.

I need to check in, struggling a bit. I didn’t follow my boundaries at all today, should have done better at that. I am at home along on the computer, not a good idea. I’ve got to do better about that. I was starting to act out, stopped, and now I am here. Hoping this check in will help me remember what’s really important.

I missed a day, so this is report 8, but I am on day 4. I have an addiction to pornography. I am in recovery, but for some reason the last few weeks I have fallen more times than I had for a long time. A lot of it has to do with not reporting to anyone I think. I used to report to someone and when I would mess up I would have to tell. As I started just getting out of that habit, I would act out and be like, well I haven’t bothered them in so long I will just do better this time around. It doesn’t work well to passively commit like that. I need to be honest with myself and others. I don’t know how well reporting to the world like this will work. I do feel the need to be totally honest here, but it’s not the same level of accountability as reporting to a person.

Either way, I didn’t act out yesterday. The day before I started to act out, but I was like, no this isn’t good so I stopped. I am going to call that a win which puts me on day 4. I also haven’t been doing perfect on my tech commitments. I spent time yesterday and the day before playing games on my phone which is outside my boundaries – as well as working on my computer without anyone else awake. So, I am recommitting to my tech device boundaries as well as to combatting my addiction.

The pain of the problem has to remain mentally worse than the pain of the solution for me. I also need to work on lust and other thoughts as I can think of moments yesterday where I allowed my mind to think things I shouldn’t have.

I am in recovery and working on me as an individual and an addict. I have a long ways to go, but I can do this if I stay humble and follow the steps.

Day 2 here. Recovering from my addiction to pornography. I am trying to make it part of the routine to re-read the previous report. I did that, and it was helpful. I have to remember every day how my life has become unmanageable. I need to be sincere with myself, pointedly remembering where I am really at.

I set some boundaries yesterday around usage of technology. I followed through with them for the most part, but they could use some additional work. Boundaries included computer usage restrictions, only news on the phone and only notes apps on the iPad. I need to reinforce those today.

I have to remember how every thought can contribute, so I need to seek to avoid trigger thoughts, which can be far away from acting out but still lead to it especially as they build up.

Overall if I put my addiction in terms of a stock chart share price line, I have been sinking and riding low for a while, I would say it’s been on a general decline for a while. Right now since I am on day 2 and I am feeling a slight measure of control over my life it’s got an ever so slight curve upwards. So, that’s positive but I have a long way to go.

Alright, let’s be real, my life is a little less in control than I like to pretend. Perhaps a lot. I am like “Yeah I am going to do better today” and then I get bored or just want to escape from whatever thoughts I am having and I slip right back into it. Once again, on day 1 here.

So, the rough of it is I my life has become unmanageable. I am admitting this because it straight up has, as well as because the 1st step of recovering from addiction (according to the Addiction Recovery Program guide) is to “Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.” My life feels manageable in a lot of ways, there are lot of things going right currently. But it is still unmanageable because there is an undertone where I don’t have control over it in the way I need to most. So, here I am, confessing these things to you and trying to avoid pretending that I can finish this post and walk away and everything will be good. That’s not how it works. I feel better when I talk about it here, but it doesn’t fix that my life is unmanageable. I have got to go back to life and make a million little steps that will each allow me to slowly take back control of my life without creating the illusion that my life is in control. It’s a level of honesty with myself I rarely truly give.

So, walking away from here I can spend half an hour on studying the guide, or writing in my journal, or planning out my day, but at the end of it I have to go back to work and everything else in life that is relentless. All I can think to do is to determine now, while I am in the mindset, what my boundaries are and commit to them for today. Then, tomorrow I must re-evaluate how I did today.

So, my boundaries are going to be around when I allow myself to be on the computer, where, and what I allow myself to do on it. This is the start. I also need to feel the guilt without feeling the shame. Covering/avoiding the guilt will never help. I have got to let it hurt a little, but with a positive outlook of confidence in the future.

I am going to go set those boundaries now.

I acted out yesterday. This resets me. I am not going to get beat down because I must stay positive and believe I can do better. As I started to act out, I remembered this blog and thought about writing an entry as a report mechanism to let the world know I was tempted. That would have helped and I believe would have prevented acting out. This makes me think I need to focus on more “all-day” interaction here rather than just once in the morning. Any time I need to report I can get on here and describe my current situation and talk through what I need to focus on.

For now, I have an addiction to Pornography. I will always have the addiction but I wont always act out in it. I am working on improving and avoiding lust and avoiding focus on sexual thoughts. I am on my 1st day of recovery from my addiction. I can change and I re-commit to not acting out today.

I have an addiction to pornography. I am on my 3rd day of sobriety and I will not act out today.

I was reading about was vets in Vietnam with heavy use of marijuana, LSD, cocaine and heroin. Before they came home, the White House was worried they would dramatically increase addiction to these substances in the American population upon return to the US. Only 5% of these men continued on these drugs after returning home – which was the same as pre-war percentages. The reason most didn’t continue it’s supposed was due to the dramatic change in environment.

Now, for my addiction – regular life is my environment. This adds an extra challenge to avoiding the triggers and reaction that are the first steps of my acting out habit cycle. It’s hard to change my environment entirely. But, I believe there are ways in which I can change my relationship with computers and devices in order to mimic an environment adjustment. I can set boundaries for myself around time of day. I can require location-based interaction with certain devices. I can physically turn them off. With any of these actions though, I need to form a habit contract in order to make sure I am truly committing myself.

Overall, device usage boundaries will be a small step in my full recovery plan. There are plenty of other elements that need to be decided as well. For now, writing in here is my main gateway habit.

I am in recovery from my addiction. I re-commit to not act out today despite temptations that will surely come. I am remembering what is most important to me and at least in this moment, making my mind recall the person I truly want to be as a defense against the actions I sometimes make which are a vote for the person I don’t want to be.

I have an addiction to pornography. I will not act out today. I am on my 2nd day of sobriety.

Getting my thoughts outside of myself is essential for avoiding mindlessly falling into the habit. I often don’t grasp or consider what might be stressing me out or worrying me. Worries, stresses, frustrations and the like all cause me to want to escape somehow. Even boredom or being overwhelmed can trigger me. What I can’t allow to happen is to feel those feelings and let me automatic next response be to seek escape. The first method of combatting pornography triggers for me is to tell someone about how I am feeling – emotionally, mentally. This has the effect of helping me understand myself. If I don’t have someone around, texting them, or even writing in a journal can have the same effect.

These are my thoughts for today.

I am in recovery from my addiction. I am changeable, and I re-commit to seeking success in recovery today.

I have an addiction to pornography. I will not act out today. I am on my 1st day of sobriety.

I have been reading a book about habits recently, and it’s got me thinking how acting out is just a habit. There are triggers, rewards, and response. I need to break the habit so I will be working on how to apply my habit book to this.

I am in recovery from my addiction, I am changeable, and I re-commit to seeking success in recovery today.

I have an addiction to pornography. I will not act out again today. I am on my 0th day of sobriety.

I have had this addiction for over half my life, and I have been through recovery programs and they worked well. An essential part of recovery is to report to someone, but I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable reporting to. I need somewhere to report and sorry, world, it’s going to have to be you this time. I act out in my addiction because of underlying stresses and emotions. I end up acting out when I let those things fester inside of me. It is time to take action, so every day I will be reporting here. This is the beginning of the rest of my life. I will be listing and implementing a series of changes, with this reporting mechanism being the first. Sorry to any accidental readers, there is no sense in following this feel free to leave and hope to never return to any of these articles.

I am in recovery from my addiction, I am changeable, and I re-commit to seeking success in recovery today.