Ok, so I am starting to think that this blog is making things worse for me. I write in here rather than telling someone, knowing that nobody is reading it. In that way I am keeping it a secret not telling someone else. So, I think it just increases the problem. It takes real connection with people and being accountable to someone you know and who knows you in order to really recover. I have told people now, I am accountable to someone now, and I will be reporting to this real person. Therefore I am signing off from this blog, I no longer have a need for it. Instead I will write in a journal. My last mess up was three days ago, December 4th 2020. I am on day 3 of recovery and I will no longer be writing here.

I am trying to recover from my addiction. I have an addiction. It’s so weird to think that my brain is actually physically different because I have succumbed to my desire to view pornography so many times in the past. I have used it as an escape mechanism or as a way to have temporary release from feelings I likely didn’t even know I was having so much that it actually re-wired my brain. My brain’s channels and patterns of thought are shaped a certain way to the point where it will be a long journey to reshape it.

I also am sitting on lies that I am really good at forgetting about. I have told people close to me that I am doing great and I hav not messed up recently. I told them straight to their faces after being asked the question directly. This makes me feel like I need to either just stop and never act out again or I need these relationships to end. There is no middle ground. Middle ground propagates the lie and will only result in a gigantic explosion in the future when everything has to come out eventually. I did it because they just wouldn’t understand. It would result in this person leaving me or being upset beyond the level my wife should.

Honestly, it’s this weird conundrum with my wife where no matter what I could never be 100% honest with her in regard to my addiction. If I were to tell her everything about my addiction and my past she would not be able to deal with it. Something about her and her viewpoint on life and her background combined with her lack of connection to me as someone she loves universally means it’s just not something she could cope with.

Is it a lack of some attribute? Is it a product of her lack of ability to relate?

She has had the sort of upbringing where she has never really made a decision where she had to feel real guilt. I don’t think she has experienced true regret for something that she knows was entirely her fault. She always pawned off all decisions in her life to her parents, and now she has animosity towards them for the things she was made to do. Maybe it is a lack of ownership for her own situation. I don’t know what it is, but I definitely feel like she can’t relate to someone who has made decisions like mine.

Don’t get me wrong, I am the one that has the most to improve on, but my issues are clear. Hers are hard to identify.

I am reporting here because I haven’t had the gumption to go and find a person to report to. This is something I will still need to do. In the meantime, reporting here should give me a way to daily express where I am in my recovery.

Right now I am not in a great spot. But, even if I were in a great spot it would be important to not feel like I was in a great spot. It’s too easy to become over confident and feel like I am doing well when I just days ago was in the throes of addiction. I already feel some of that, where I am able to feel productive the last couple days and I become too relaxed in my perspective towards my addiction.

I acted out mere days ago, and I need to remember that I have a long ways to go. I need to focus on exercising self control in everything in my life, and working on building more structure. I need to feel capable of putting forth some effort to combat my addiction without feeling like I can do it without the help of God and others. There are going to be weak points where I need to say “I want to do this, I don’t know how to avoid it, please help me do something to prevent this” and in the weak moments when I would have otherwise chosen to act out, God will help me to abstain.

Yesterday I did some additional indulgence in pornography. It was to a lesser extent but I was definitely viewing things and thinking things that were of a sexual nature in order to cope with feelings I wasn’t willing to deal with. I am reporting here as an attempt to be fully honest with myself and the world. I still believe I will need someone to report to in addition to this, but being consistent here, in saying no to myself, in creating more structure in my life, and in other activities that prompt honesty and awareness will help.

It’s critical that every day I ride the line of being humble (I do not have things figured out) being confident (I can get a little better each day at figuring things out) and seeking help from an almighty power who can help. I have an addiction to pornography which I use to escape and avoid dealing with the painful or uncomfortable things in life.

Well, I have been indulging in pornography a great deal lately. It’s been sessions weekly or more for a while. It’s critical to be humble and to be honest. I am not being honest in every aspect of my life as I am lying to people I love. I can at least be honest on here. I am not doing very well at the humble thing either for the most part, but I am humble today. I am in a bad place. But, I need to act and at least opening this and writing here is one thing I can do to act. It’s not enough to do a ton of good, but everything is going to add up.

Ok, today is now day 0. I just viewed pornography again.

Well, I viewed pornography yesterday. That makes today day 1.

It’s hard to determine what my acting out schedule has been the last month since I haven’t written in here for that long. It’s been off and on. Pretty awful state of things. Writing on here is going to be necessary though to help me kick this.

I know that it’s a coping mechanism. I think the feelings I have been overwhelmed with are boredom and stress. The more freedom I get in my life the more I don’t know how to cope with the myriad ways in which I can spend my time. I am starting something this week which should help as I have structured my time much more rigidly and I intend to follow through with my plans. Writing here needs to be a regular part of this rigid structure.

Ok, so I acted out in my addiction this morning. I viewed pornography.

I think the order in which I started my day was not ideal. I certainly didn’t take time to reflect or consider where I am at before getting going. I am still not fully ready for the day even though I have gotten a couple things done. I need to prioritize the type of morning activities that will get me off to a good start rather than just starting on things and realizing after the fact that I wasted time.

I have an addiction to pornography. I am on day 0 of recovery. It started with a 5 minute session of viewing porn, and then I avoided it for a good couple hours before diving into 2 more sessions of about 30 minutes each. I am hoping I can shake it off for the rest of the day and week. If I can write in here and remember where I am at and what I am trying to do here perhaps I can keep myself from floundering again today.

What I should have done after that first session is get out of my chair and reset. I am going to do that reset now. This is a bummer but I haven’t yet felt the weight of the bummer. It doesn’t feel too huge because my sobriety was relatively short, but every bit of sobriety I lose definitely hurts.

Routine is essential, I need to work on that.

Ok, so I should have written here the last couple days, but it was a busy weekend! I get easily off track with random research and projects, as well as holiday weekends or weekends in general make me feel like I don’t have time for this stuff. But, I do and I could have fit it in. Another thing to work on!

I am in recovery from an addiction to pornography, and other sexual habits, activities, and thoughts. I am on day 12 of recovery. 12 is small, and I don’t think of it as a major accomplishment, but I do relish the fact that I am tracking it. I didn’t write on days 9, 10 or 11, but most of the days between 1-12 I have consciously thought about which day it is, and that will be essential for me to build a foundation of importance around my recovery.

When I think about the times I have acted out in my addiction by viewing pornography, the most concerning thing is that I remember the moments leading up to acting out as not moments of intense emotion or even feeling immense stress or difficulty. The moments I remember are casual “hmm I would like to see _______” (____ being some pornographic / sexual topic I want to search on the internet). And then I immediately think “I probably shouldn’t” or “It would be better to avoid it” yet a moment later I think “I’d rather not think about consequences” and I just start searching.

It’s much too easy for me to allow my mind to follow all these steps without reservation or inner conflict:

1. Desire the drug (porn)
2. Decide I want to view
3. Confirm that I am just going to do it without thinking
4. View pornography

The inner conflict comes later, when I start to realize I have acted in a way that contrasts heavily with my personal beliefs and who I want to be and become.

So, all I can do today is try and solidify that brief and destructive process as destructive in my head. I have to remember that those moments come on quick, and that I have reason to fight them every day. It will be a fight I have to have over and over, and today I have to decide to fight the fight.

I wasn’t good this morning about starting off my time right. I should have done this earlier. I only have a couple minutes, so I just am taking this time to remember I have a sexual addiction and I need to focus on keeping a clear head and evaluating my emotions. I need to be cautious always. That’s it for today, it will likely be brief tomorrow too. Day 8 of recovery.